Susie rocked my world. She encapsulated everything I wanted. Smart, fun, deep, caring, with strawberry blonde hair trailing down her back. We met while in high school. One night she showed up while I was playing in our rock band. We talked a bit, but it wasn’t until she came by where I worked and invited me to a party that we got to know one another. After that, I was hooked.
Our relationship became exclusive. Over time we talked about the future, and how we wanted to get married. She wanted kids. How many? I grew up in a small family and said one or two. She wanted a whole football team!
We never did resolve that issue. Though we went to colleges close to one another, one weekend she came home. I had been sensing that something wasn’t right. That Friday night after the movie I told Susie I had something to say. I wanted to ask her to marry me. But she jumped in and said there was something she had to say first. She had met another guy. She wanted to break up with me.
She left early the next day to head back to college. I decided to pursue her, but her mind was set. Susie eventually married that guy. I felt like one of the walking wounded.
Six months later in the college café, I sat down with a couple of guys. Richard was fun, outgoing and carried a Bible. When I saw that, I had steered away from him. Now things in my life were in a different place. Perhaps he sensed I was more open.
Richard said to Art, “Do you think Mark knows?” My friend Art, the guitar player who preferred jam sessions and singing to attending class responded, “No, I don’t think so.”
Richard then said, “Do you think he would like to know?” Art said, “I don’t know, why don’t you ask him?”
So he did. Richard turned to me, and asked, “Would you like to know what we are talking about?” Since it was obvious I was being baited, I said “No.” Well, Richard told me anyway.
Richard shared that God loves us. And in his love for us, God sent his son Jesus. Jesus lived a righteous life, but was killed by religious leaders who were jealous of the following Jesus had.
Richard went on to explain that we all sin—we all do bad things. No argument from me there. I knew my history. He shared that though God loves us; our evil deeds separate us from him. God is just, righteous, and holy. He can’t just turn a blind eye to sin. He has to deal with it. A verse from a book in the bible called Romans puts it this way: “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 6:23).
Richard also shared that though Jesus offered up his life as a ransom for us, redeeming us from death, he did not stay dead, but rose back to life three days later. God’s power had raised him to life and God was satisfied with Christ’s payment.
Richard came back to the verse that told about God’s love and shared how we could receive it. John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” He explained that the one condition was that we received God’s Son by believing in him. He died for us. Would we believe in him?
I didn’t accept it. But Richard cared enough to drive an hour to pick me up and take me to a college Bible study. I felt so awkward! But they started the meeting with guitars and singing. That helped.
I don’t remember much of what was taught. But I remember the love they had for one another. At my college, the guys were only interested in a girl if she was pretty and dateable. But here at the Christian Ranch Youth meeting (“Ranch” for short), everyone seemed to care about others. You could see it in how they treated one another. For example, one girl tipped the scales at more than 300 pounds. In spite of her size, the guys treated her as well as they treated the beautiful blonde. I thought I knew what love was, but now I was seeing it.
After a month, I had asked questions about being saved. Did I have to be baptized to be saved? No, our works do not save us, only belief in Christ. Other questions followed, but still I had not trusted Christ. Then one day, alone, I knelt and prayed something like this: “God, I don’t understand a lot, but I believe you sent your Son Jesus to save us. I trust in him.”
What happened after that? No rockets went off, but I remember feeling peace and joy. I had been looking for love and got rejection. But now I experienced love from both God and fellow believers. As time passed, I wanted to serve God, not to get something, but to love him back for the grace he had given me.
How about you? Could this be your story too? It can be, if you will trust in Christ for forgiveness of sins.
If you are interested, open a Bible and check out the following verses: John 3:16, John 6:47, Acts 4:12, Romans 3:23, Romans 5:8, Romans 6:23, Ephesians 2:8-10.
Some who have read my story have asked, “So, what happened? How did things turn out?”
I did find love, real love. After many years I met and married the one who is now the love of my life. Debbie and I have been married for more than 25 years and have two college-age sons. God filled the void I felt, and has blessed me more with a godly wife than I can tell. We minister together at Oak Hills Church in Argyle, Texas, where I serve as Senior Pastor. Having a life partner in Debbie has blessed the journey and God has brought us joy!
I wanted beauty for ashes (see Isaiah 61:1-3), but I hate waiting. Our instant, high-speed, overnight-results culture has certainly played a role in this. We get impatient waiting one minute for the microwave! But I have had some extra-long waits in my life that could have sent me crashing into despair were it not for God’s love.
As a child, I was actually more patient than I am now. I never felt beautiful, but I suppose I clung to The Ugly Duckling story. I wore glasses, was a bit pudgy and had bad hair. I even thought my lips were too big. I would look in the mirror and practice holding them in. It was difficult to do that and hold in my stomach simultaneously. When I started wearing makeup, I would cover my lips with foundation and draw them smaller with lipstick. I was just waiting for the morning I’d wake up a swan.
By the time I was a teen, I had become a Christian. At a Vacation Bible School session when I was a kid, there was a storytelling artist drawing a huge picture with big pastel sticks. It was a beautiful scene, but suddenly he drew a big, ugly, black squiggle in the middle of it, seemingly ruining the picture.
This was where he explained how sin ruined paradise, and ruins our lives. But then, using beautiful colors, he added more, transforming the black squiggle into a gorgeous tree that was the highlight of the whole picture. He told us how God not only forgives our sin through the death and resurrection of His Son Jesus Christ, but also redeems it, causing new growth that makes our lives even more beautiful. I understood and believed the gospel (the REAL beauty for ashes story!) at that time, but it would be awhile before I realized all that God gave me when I believed.
While I waited to become beautiful, I went to work on my personality by pursuing my love of musical theatre. Only princesses can afford to be shy, so I studied music, drama and dance in high school and college. It was certainly more rewarding than waiting around to be asked out on a date. After my mom died when I was 19, I drifted away from church. The theatrical scene seemed to fill the void.
I began landing some leading roles in community and semi-professional theatre companies, and the applause from audiences was like a drug to my affection-starved heart. Unfortunately, this also led me to hanging out with drinkers and partiers. Without being in fellowship with other believers, I was too weak to be an influence on my theatrical/party friends, and they ended up influencing me for a time. I even began hatching a plan to move to New York for a stab at Broadway. I worked clerical jobs to save up money.
By the time I hit my 20’s, I had slimmed down, gotten contact lenses and was having an occasional good-hair day. But apparently, I was still far from stunning. My dating life was nearly non-existent. Even though the biological clock was not an issue yet, it was quite frustrating. Most of my dates were through personal ads, or because some guy was impressed with my karaoke performance at a yuppie bar.
When I did go on a date, usually there was not a second one. The few times I had a boyfriend, it always either ended or turned platonic within about three weeks. Starved for affection, I would behave too eagerly and scare the guy off. I never came anywhere NEAR getting married. As I approached 30, this began to concern me more. Rejection after rejection eroded my self-esteem to near-zip. I was waiting to be loved. And waiting. And waiting…
My desire to marry grew strong as I approached 40. The biological clock was ticking me off! I bounced back and forth between two extremes. Either I tried too hard to manufacture relationships, or I sat back and waited for God to drop Prince Charming on my doorstep. I was pretty frustrated with God for making me wait so long.
The emotions came to a head one day on a solo bicycle ride when I got a flat tire. I was about two miles from home and the only way to get back was to carry my bicycle and walk. A passing cyclist offered to let me use his cell phone. I thought, it’s not like I have a boyfriend or husband I can call, so I declined. It was getting darker, and the mosquitoes were descending like vultures. I was sure the muggers would soon be coming out, so I thanked the man and continued carrying my bike.
Passers-by just looked at me like I had something growing out of my forehead. Probably a mosquito bite! I plodded onward, praying for protection, strength and enough daylight. By the time it was completely dark, I was back in my neighborhood. I was thankful to be safe, but as my exhaustion started to hit me, I complained to God, crying about my lack of a spouse.
I trudged along with my bike bouncing against my hip and tears streaming down my face. I told Him if I were only married or even dating, there would have been someone to help me. At least I would have had someone to call. I was tired of being strong alone and always having to do everything on my own. I pleaded my own agenda: Why did I have to wait so long? I arrived home exhausted and upset, having forgotten already how God had been with me and answered my prayer on the bike trail.
Here’s the kicker. ALL those things I was waiting for, I already had! From the very moment I had believed that God sent His only Son, Jesus Christ, to earth as a human who died for my sins and was resurrected, I had eternal life. I also had a relationship with God, but God was waiting for ME to come closer.
God gave me beauty for ashes in the best way – by working it out from the inside. God gave me flawless love. On that bike ride, God had been my protector, my strength and even my healer (the mosquito bite went away!). He was also my provider, having already given me a house, a garden full of flowers, roommates, finances — all things I’d once expected to gain only upon marrying.
As I made little steps of obedience, God worked massive changes in my life. God restrained me from moving to New York, which soon led me to a job in a large church music ministry. That ended up growing and refining my skills and training (both clerical and creative/artistic) in ways I could never have imagined. All of that prepared me for what I’m doing now in my work with two online ministries: KidsTalkAboutGod.org and FaithProfiles.org, which were founded by my husband.
Yes, “husband.” I can use the h-word now. I did finally get married – at age 42! He is a wonderful Christian who genuinely thinks I’m beautiful – because he sees me through God’s eyes. God’s love is the best and He certainly knows what’s best for me. So now I can say that I’m SO glad God made me wait!
Cox News Service article
May 16, 1992
by Carey Kinsolving
If the soft touch of a red-lipstick kiss on the church flyer didn’t grab the attention of the congregation in Gaithersburg, Md., the title of the sermons did: “Surviving in a Sex-crazed Culture.”
One of those whose attention it captured, newly married Jeb Baker, 31, said the series of sermons proved to be “almost shocking” because it laid out God’s standard clearly and made him realize how far Americans have strayed from it.
What God has designed to be delightful has become deadly, said the Rev. Paul Abbott, pastor of the Cedar Brook Community Church in Gaithersburg. His solution: Christians must create a counterculture where abstinence and virginity are socially acceptable.
Baker had been a typical college student. But after he became a Christian he was not afraid to use the “A” word – abstinence.
“My wife is so secure in our relationship now because she knows that for nine years before she met me, I was morally pure. If I waited for her when I was single, why would I be unfaithful now that we’re married?”
“The smartest thing we ever did was wait.”
In a telephone survey, nine Washington-area pastors or church spokespersons were asked if they had spoken about sex in their sermons. All said they had addressed the subject within the past year.
“As a father of four teenagers, I know how tough it is out there,” Abbott said. “The Bible has practical help.”
Referring to basketball star Magic Johnson, who admitted publicly he carries the HIV virus, Abbott entitled his first sermon, “Is the Magic Gone?” He answered in the affirmative: “The Magic is gone.”
Abbott told his congregation that the optimism surrounding Johnson’s role as a messenger to America’s youth shows how far down the wrong road our society has traveled. “The man ‘Johnson’ has virtually no credibility as a role model for abstinence,” Abbott said in quoting Debra Haffner, director of the U.S. Sex Information Council.
“Our children are dying because no one will tell them the truth,” Abbott said. “The truth is that the incidence of AIDS among teenagers is doubling every 14 months (Time magazine), and 57 percent of high school students are sexually active (U.S. News & World Report). There are over 50 sexually transmitted diseases (New York Times).”
Abbott said a woman was quoted in “Glamour” magazine as saying, “Our society treats virginity like a disease.”
The mystery, romance, fulfillment and intimacy that God intended has been lost in an atmosphere of profanity, vulgarity and promiscuity, Abbott said.
In Baltimore, Campaign for Our Children is attempting to reverse the virginity stigma by putting up billboards saying, “VIRGIN: Teach your kid it’s not a dirty word.”
However, such attempts may be like throwing pebbles at an oncoming train. By age 20, the average American has heard and seen 90,000 sexual comments or suggested acts of sex on television. Eighty percent of those depict sex outside of marriage, Abbott said.
Abbott urged Christian parents to be more open with their kids about their relationship with God and to take responsibility for their children’s sex education. Abbott suggested that parents encourage their children to make friends with peers who will wield a good influence.
“We need to be undefensively different, to set a different standard and create a Christian counterculture,” Abbott said.
In Abbott’s second sermon, he said purity is not emptiness or the absence of sin. Rather, it is a positive relationship with God that is dynamic, exciting and satisfying.
“Marriage, the most passionate human relationship, is used routinely to depict the relationship that God desires with every man and woman. That gives us an idea of how deeply intimate God wants to be with us.”
Abbott compared immorality to greed, with its selfishness and ugliness. Sex can be good and healthy, he said, but immorality is taking what belongs to others.
Susie Grubb, 29, had never heard sex discussed from the pulpit, but said, “I’m glad it’s being done. I think it’s something that needs to be talked about more openly. Everyone is having a lot of problems in this area.”
Columbus Dispatch article
April 16, 1992
by Carey Kinsolving
Members of the Kenwood Country Club in Bethesda, Md., still may be talking about a sight that greeted them one recent Saturday morning.
A smartly attired single woman advertised her marital intentions with a button that read like a campaign slogan: “Say I Do in 92.”
The occasion was a five-part seminar taught by author Blaine Smith, “The Marriage Decision: A Seminar in Choosing a Marriage Partner – and Finding One.”
Emily Post might call such sloganeering “shocking,” but 43-year-old grandmother Janice Wilkerson calls it “pro-active.”
That’s what Smith calls it, too. In November he taught a singles class at a Bethesda church. He encouraged a pro-active approach to finding a spouse. Wilkerson took his advice to heart.
She threw a pro-active party. As her 80 guests arrived at the door, she pinned buttons on them.
“Immediately there were some dates that were set that evening,” Wilkerson said. “Some relationships have resulted from that party.”
Smith, an ordained Presbyterian minister, said that only a few churches offer guidance on how to choose a marriage partner.
“Why can’t there be a matchmaker on the church staff?” Smith asked.
Singles fending for themselves in choosing a partner is a modern phenomenon, he said. In past generations, parents often played an active role in finding a mate for their son or daughter, and in other cultures this custom still prevails. He commends the Jewish tradition of the “yenta” – typically an elderly Jewish woman who specializes in matchmaking.
Smith devoted the first session to debunking shoddy thinking about finding a marriage partner. Christians often “spiritualize” and harbor unrealistic expectations about God’s guidance.
“Expecting God to guide . . . leaves some Christians uneasy about taking any personal initiative in finding a marriage partner,” Smith said.
Similar problems are caused by “idealizing.” Unrealistic expectations about romantic love or the perfect mate can stymie potential in a good relationship.
Another roadblock is “catastrophizing” or “excessive worrying about the future.”
“Without some willingness to risk – indeed, without a proper sense of adventure – you will never take the plunge into marriage,” Smith said.
Smith’s marital myth-breaking includes a look at the first marriage, as recorded in Genesis. The only reason God gave for offering Eve to Adam, Smith said, was Adam’s need for companionship.
“Nothing is said about Adam deserving a wife,” Smith noted. “The Genesis record teaches that marriage, like salvation itself, is an unmerited gift from God.”
The parents of Lauren Lane, 23, have been married 30 years. For her, the seminar reinforced the importance of the husband’s leadership role. But Lane added that men have responsibility in that role.
“The Bible talks about the man being the spiritual leader,” Lane said. “I think that is something a lot of people have lost, and a lot of women maybe don’t choose to respect their husbands. You can’t have two leaders in a household. It’s not going to work.
“I do have rights, but I believe God has a different role for me. I don’t think that being submissive is being stupid or . . . a robot, especially if my husband is following biblical principles and fulfilling his duty.”
Lane said the seminar challenged her to think about areas of compatibility, which Smith discusses at length in his book, Should I Get Married? The area that impressed Lane most is the importance of friendship and compassion in seeking a mate.
By the last week of the seminar, the effectiveness of the pro-active approach had been validated. Will Townshend, 45, took Smith’s advice for those experiencing difficulty deciding whether to pop the question. He took a weekend off to seek God’s will.
“I went back over all the compatibility issues, prayed about it and made my decision,” Townshend said.
Wilkerson will have to change her button to “I Said I Do in 92.”
She and Townshend are planning a July wedding in Texas.
San Francisco Chronicle article
February 25, 1992
by Carey Kinsolving
An editor at Time magazine once confided in Marabel Morgan that he came away from a cocktail party with high-heel marks all over his chest at the mere mention of her name.
And what heinous crime did Morgan commit that could provoke such a sharp reaction? Morgan wrote a book in the early 1970s that sold more than 5 million copies about how she salvaged her marriage.
The widespread belief was that she proposed that women rekindle their marriages by such innovations as greeting their husbands at the door dressed in Saran Wrap or having sex under the dining room table.
Actually, Morgan says, her objective in writing was to apply the Apostle Paul’s teaching: “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). This was not meant to imply a macho male and a subservient wife, she says; rather, she wrote about loving her husband freely with no hidden goal of getting anything in return.
Morgan’s book, titled “The Total Woman,” is the target of a spoof in the hit movie “Fried Green Tomatoes.”
In the movie, actress Kathy Bates portrays a housewife who attends one of Morgan’s seminars and daydreams about applying the notorious Saran Wrap greeting.
But when Bates greets her husband dressed in nothing but cellophane, he takes one look and says: “Have you gone insane? Someone might see you. What if I’d been a; paper boy or something, honey?”
Spoof though it may be, millions of women around the world found Morgan’s advice – the spiritual, which in her view included the sexual – to be exactly the spice their marriages needed to get back on track.
Twenty years after the birth of the Total Woman, Morgan still can’t believe the response to her book, both positive and negative. For years she received about 100 letters a day, she said.
If anyone could be voted the least likely candidate for a happy marriage, Morgan might qualify. Her parents divorced when she was 3. Her stepfather died when she was 14. Her mother lived as a recluse. The home life was so unbearable that Morgan left home when she was 18 to live at the YWCA.
While working as a beautician, Morgan asked customers about the meaning of life. One of them showed her verses in the Bible that, she said, “seemed to contradict all my attempts to reach God.”
They read, “For by grace you have been saved by faith; and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God; not of works . . .”
Morgan said she realized her search for meaning and acceptance was over. She entered into a relationship with Jesus Christ by accepting his love for her.
Shortly thereafter she met her future husband, Charlie. After marriage, Marabel saw the romantic Charlie turn into a preoccupied attorney.
After six frustrating years of trying to reform him, Marabel launched another plan to try to salvage her failing marriage. She said she decided to give Charlie the same kind of sacrificial love she had experienced from her relationship with Jesus Christ.
“When I decided to give 100 percent to Charlie, whether he gives back anything or not, things started to change,” Morgan said.
In the end, she said, she often got more than she asked for because Charlie became so attentive.
“Subservience is involuntary, but submission is my choice,” she said.
This – not the sexual come-ons – was the real point of her book, she says. As for Saran Wrap, she never used it herself, she says, although in the book she suggests greeting a weary husband in nothing but an apron and high heels might be a way to jump-start a sluggish marriage.